Highest Highes and Lowest Lows

The last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster, and today I got off of the ride.

I had to withdraw from the AFC tournament with a wrist injury one week before sectionals.

Wrist ended up being ok for Sectionals.  I qualified for nationals, but mostly because only 4 people showed up.  I had some decent touches, but I had a much more difficult time with some bouts than I should have had.  Watching the video back, my extension sucked.

And today...today was the D and Under and an Open at FSA.  And I spent a good 10 minutes in the bathroom crying.  I lost my first DE in the D and Under to a fencer I should have beaten no problem.  My husband, fencing for only about a year, won and earned his E.  Then the Open was just a disaster.

I've decided to quit competition.  I feel like complete shit after the majority of tournaments I enter.  For fuck's sake, MY HUSBAND EARNED HIS FUCKING E.  I'm trying very, very hard to be happy for him.  I cheered when he won.  But it just throws into high relief the fact that I fucking suck.  I may have the tools to do better, but I just can't give any more.  I go to practice much more than he goes.  I take more lessons than he takes.  I have more experience.  And he's better than me and I have no idea why.

I've had more than enough.  I've had enough of being on the edge of tears (and actually crying).  I've had enough of working my ass off with nothing to show for it.  NOTHING.  I've had enough of having my husband's success highlight my failures.  I've had enough of feeling like complete shit walking out of a tournament venue.  I have had enough.

I just don't know what else to do.  I can't afford to take more lessons.  I work my ass off at practice - and with work, I can't go any more than I already do.

I'm done competing after Nationals.  I would drop from Nationals now if I wouldn't be letting down our team.  I'll probably still keep going to practice for the exercise.  I do still want to improve, so may keep taking a lesson every so often.  But competing is over after July, for the foreseeable future.